First thing’s first–I am here to proclaim my love for sugar-free Jell-O. There is nothing like gorging yourself with a forty-calorie bowl of flavored horse goop and getting all of those empty calories you used to get (without all the guilt of seeing that “240%” next to “Sugar” in your daily Calorie Count analysis)! Plus, you can replace the water with a can of sugar-free Amp and watch the world spin.

Second thing’s second–beans, while neither musical nor a fruit, are probably pretty good for your heart. I’ve been rehydrating and chomping pinto-beans like there is no tomorrow (which there may not be, depending on how much artificial sweetener I suck down in the meantime). I would recommend beans for those who need fiber, vegetarian protein sources, or obscene butt noises!

For years, I’ve had a fascination with baking. Here are some cupcakes that I made the other day. They are Chocolate Cherry Dr. Pepper Cupcakes (click for recipe). My icing is a weird consistency, but they apparently tasted great. How would I know? I’m manorexic. I ate some butternut squash and left the thirty-five cupcakes to the professionals.

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. In this case, I think the photograph probably screams “I want a damn cupcake!” two hundred times, until it finally reaches its thousand-word quota and falls asleep in a pile of its own goo.

And for those of you who dare to attempt the recipe, here is an approximate calorie count per cake.

Take note that there are 21 grams of sugar in each iced cupcake. This is the net weight of one human soul. Do with this information what you will.