Ugly Food for an Ugly Dude » Uncategorized

The Jalapeño Menace: You’ve Got to Weigh It Out

Mike Spoodles — Sat, 23 Jun 2007 15:40:41 +0000

Ladies and gentleladies, I present to you the Pros and Cons of eating an entire cup of Jalapeño Peppers.

PROS

You will look cool to that one guy who said, “It would be really cool to eat a cup of jalapeño peppers.”* (*This may not actually occur)

CONS

Mouth pain.
Tongue pain.
Throat pain.
Esophagus pain.
Stomach pain.
Bloating (attributed to an overindulgence in sodium).
Small intestine pain.
Large intestine [colon] pain.
Burps that burn.
Farts that burn.
Poops that burn.
Anus that burn(s).
Looking stupid in front of all your buds.
Nasty pepperbreath (ladies beware).
Death (potential)

Now that you know what you are in for, you can make an educated decision on whether or not to eat a cup full of jalapeño peppers. Stay tuned for our next exciting installment: “When is eating eleven Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies a good idea?” Good evening, and good luck.

Easter’s Almost Here

Mike Spoodles — Fri, 06 Apr 2007 15:54:58 +0000

Easter is a’comin’, and I’d be foolish not to mention awesome new Peeps sites this year.

Not new but still awesome: Mystie’s Crown Combo presents the 2007 Peepdown. All the Peeps merchandise you can shake a prick at.

Meanwhile, somebody has a Flickr album of Peeps for Passover.

CandyBlog has Peeps Mashups, mixing Peeps with your other favorite candies.

Just Born released a Peeps Poll, so if you’re curious about the demographics of Peepdom, click here.

Enjoy, and happy Easter.

Mister

Mike Spoodles — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 16:01:00 +0000

You know who ya are.

Thinkin’ yer all better than everybody else, what with yer arm brace and yer solitary nature. Just watchin’ the scoreboards flickerin’ on the faces of the little kids trippin’ over those half-drawn bowlin’ bumpers while ya run yer hand through that slicked-back hair, greasy as the pizza Larry’s slinging over in concessions. Ya think yer top banana but yer not. Taste that air. That’s hate and lust and feet and smoke. Breathe it in.

Yer all worried about yer form with that wrist splint, but no amount of wood and cloth will keep you from scuffin’ those horrible blue shoes against my hardwood floor. Mister All-Pro. Mister Skinny Minnie. There are twenty teenaged girls runnin’ round with skirts up to their hoohas, and they’re closer to a 300-game than ya could ever hope to be. Don’t think I can’t see ya leering. Mister Limpy. Mister Gimpy. At least the boozehounds and beer guts don’t try to hide it. They stare. You glance. Mister Pervert. Sick Mister.

Yeah. Put that ball back on the rack. Yer done fer the night. Too insecure to use one of the brightly colored bowling balls. Pink, green, orange, burgundy. All shiny and half neon. Not you though. Yer not shiny. Gotta be black. Classic black. Trusty black, jest like yer teeth. Don’t think nobody noticed. These lights are fluorescent, pally. Anybody with half a mind to sick themselves out could just take a gander at yer slack jaw, crawling with nachos and cheese fries and plaqueteria.

Oh, it’s plain to see. Yer headed to the arcade for fun and frivolity. Funny. Seems like the teenieboppers are there too, sittin’ on the scratchety-assed pool table and flirtin’ with the boys at the Pac-Man cabinet. Yer just in it fer the watchin’. Plunk in a couplea quarters for the crane game, maybe win yerself a couplea greeny yellow stuffed animals fer the lovely young ladies. Maybe they’ll remember ya in a few years when they can take out daddy’s car, and they’ll see ya in that wrist splint and throw ya a mercybone.

Yer shakin’ and it’s not helpin’ yer cranin’. Sick Mister. Hearin’ the girls shriek makes ya all aquiver. They love this song. Oops they did it again. Ya watch ‘em dance and ya delight in their dithyrambs. Ya shake some more and ya shake some more and then ya stop shakin’. No more quarters in yer pocket, eh? Is that right, Mister Poor? Mister Sadsack?

Whatcha doin’ there? Just ploppin’ on the arcade floor like a cadaver? Yeah, yer a real winner. Mister All-Pro. Slippin’ off yer blueshoes and puttin’ on yer specialshoes. Walkin’ a little straighter now, are ya?

Puff puff. Just a counterboy with his spraycan, of course. Ya hand him yer bowlin’ shoes, completely unaware of his admiration of ya. Of his yen. Puff puff puff. Mister Lover Lover. Walkin’ away and never knowin’.

Tubular Twizzlers Tweeterz, Terrance!

Mike Spoodles — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 16:12:05 +0000

I was at the grocery store the other day looking at the candy section and shaking my head. And why? Limited Edition candies, of course.

The candy companies have been releasing the things for years and years, of course, but slapping the words “Limited Edition” on them is a fairly recent phenomenon. We used to call it “test marketing to see if people will actually buy the new, shitty product.” Hershey’s Kisses come in any variety of flavors, for instance. Chocolate, white chocolate, dark chocolate, caramel filled, cream filled, peanut butter filled, cordial cherry filled, coconut cream filled, almond filled, dulce de leche filled, toffee filled, chocolate truffle filled, orange flavored, strawberry flavored, mint flavored. It’s fucking ridiculous. When I was a kid, we ate Hershey’s Kisses in one exciting flavor: milk chocolate. And you know what? Nobody ever once thought to say “this flavor is not good enough and I would like a wide variety of shitty flavors from which to choose.” There’s absolutely no reason for them to keep releasing more and more crap.

If they do, though, I have some suggestions that could make me very rich. Key Lime flavored Kisses. Flavor that bad boy with cinnamon! Hershey’s kisses filled with marshmallow! Or maybe a seasonal variant that is filled with pumpkin pie filling (or chunks of candy cane). Expand into the other varieties of nuts: pecans, peanuts, hazelnuts, whatever. Put pretzels in there, and potato chips. Hell, even cheese doodles. Crunchy cookies. Nougat. Whatever the hell it is that’s inside of a Butterfinger. Rice krispies, or any other cereal for that matter! Salt water taffy! Molasses! Maple syrup! Honey! All of your favorite jams and jellies! Oh, cheesecake! Fat people love cheesecake! Coffee beans (or at least coffee flavoring). You’ve already hit orange and strawberry: now go with banana. Pineapple! Grape! Get some mixed berries in there. Apple pie filling? Certainly! I think Hershey’s owns Twizzlers: start coating those things in Kisses. Licorice of any sort will do, really. I bet they could buy out Pop Rocks for surprisingly little. Throw ‘em in! Charms seemed to have some success with their Blow Pops. Maybe it’s time to stick some bubble gum in there (in a variety of flavors, of course). And why stop at that? Fill them with essential nutrients and put them next to the Flintstones vitamins on the shelf. Or put toothpaste in there and use them as an alternative to brushing your teeth. Or sell them in your grocer’s freezer with bits of precooked meat in there! Or eggs! And of course, with that comes the vegetarian alternatives: chocolate coated soy meat and the like. Can you imagine the possibilities? Chocolate isn’t enough for today’s consumer. They need to supplement it with some bizarre and off-the-wall filling that has no right being involved with a delicious sweet. I’d be rolling in the dough (which reminds me: cookie dough!) if I worked for Hershey’s corporation. I’m sure there are tons more! Those are just the ideas I came up with while I was waiting in line at the checkout. Give me more time, Hershey’s!

But really, that’s neither here nor there. I’m here to talk about Twizzlers’ seasonal variant, Twizzlers Tweeterz. My sample came from Easter 2006, so there is no guarantee that you’ll ever see these things on the shelves again. However, luck may be on your side as a Google Search turns up results for a Halloween package that includes orange and grape varieties.

Tweeterz are bits of Twizzlers-brand candy (I hesitate to say licorice because the only true licorice is the tasty black stuff). The bluebird on the package is wishing you a happy Easter, unaware that you’ll be eating its eggs well into the next year. In fact, by the time this review is posted, 2007′s Easter candy may already be on shelves.

FAST FOOD FACTS: Serving Size: 24 tweeterz. Calories: 130. Fat: 0g. These are entirely vegan.

The Easter version of Twizzlers Tweeterz come in three fruity flavors: cherry (red), strawberry (pink), and blue raspberry (blue). Chances are that you know exactly what two of the three of these taste like. Cherry and Strawberry are two of Twizzlers’ classic flavors. Blue raspberry tastes like neither blueberry (which is not raspberry) nor raspberry (which is not blue). It tastes almost exactly the same as its red cherry brethren. The candy coating adds absolutely nothing to the treat. If the shell is also fruit-flavored, I’m unable to tell. It’s almost certainly pure sugar, adding nothing but almost-sickening sweetness to the equation.

So what does that leave you with? Little bits of Twizzlers. I wouldn’t pick these up if I were you, because Twizzlers are best enjoyed in whip form.

Gummi Rabbit: the other white meat

Mike Spoodles — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 16:42:42 +0000

My previous run-in with gummies–the dreaded Wolfgang’s Gummy Bears–was slightly less than palatable, so I was eager to get my teef’ on some real and tasty gummy treats. I cracked open another bag from the same era (April 2006–a very good vintage). Will they be as terrifying?

The product of the day is a bulk candy product. They are Gummy Bunnies, and they were procured at Weaver Nut Co., an Amish-run company in Ephrata, Pennsylvania (which also happens to be home to a fabulous bakery–try their whoopie pies)..

FAST FOOD FACTS! Serving size: 7 bunnies. Calories: 130. Fat: 0g. The ingredients are not listed on my package, but I would imagine there is gelatin in these, making them a poor option for the smart vegan shopper.

I’m not certain how accurate this nutritional label is. The similarly sized Wolfgang Gummy Bears were a whole lot less in the calorie department. Then again, the Wolfgang Gummy Bears sucked balls.

These gummies come in what seems to be two different shapes–a floppy-eared bunny and a straight-eared bunny. They are soft and aesthetically pleasing (take THAT, Wolfgang!). But are they tasty?

There are six different colors. Green, orange, blue, white, yellow, and purple. There seemed to me to be some differences in flavor, but not enough to actually tell which flavor is which. If I had to guess, I would say the following: Green is apple, orange is orange, blue is blueberry, white is pineapple, yellow is lemon, and purple is grape. The only flavor distinctive enough to know for sure was the pineapple, which was a bit stronger.

That’s not to say they’re bad. Just hard to differentiate. The general flavor seems to be “fruity” and I can deal with that. They’re not so tough that you can’t comfortably chew them. They’re not the greatest gummies I’ve ever tasted (what was I expecting with bulk candy?) but they certainly were tasty.

LINKS: Weaver Nut Co.